Changes

Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.~ Carol Burnett

Changes will be made in my life, changes have been happening for months of course, slowly until the amount reaches an explosion. Hell may break loose at the end, or things will go over smoothly. Who knows? I don't.

*sigh*

I don't have the picturesque family like many people in my life think. I was molested for years by a cousin of mine until around the age of 13. I've hidden this fact from many of those close to me for essentially my entire life, only revealing it to those I trust the most within the past year; even then some don't know all the facts. For years, I've been scared of me, because of what he did and said, but when Dan came into the picture things changed. I can't begin to list how he's helped me, before and after we started dating, I'll fill this blog again and again. But because of him, I began the healing process of the constant sexual abuse I was put through for ruffly ten years.

One problem though. That cousin is still around.

Some would say to avoid him, I should tell my family what happened. They know. They've known for...um...six years. Six years...damn, where has the time gone??!! Anyway, they know what happened, when it happened, how it happened...etc. They know how his precence affects me too. Does it faze them any? Absolutely not. At all. My grandmother's opinion is this: "You both are my grandchildren. You cannot expect me to choose between you. He is family and family sticks together, no matter what they've done."

Okay, fine, I'll let the old lady have her opinion. I love her to death despite this, and other factors, and due to her health its questionable how long she'll still be with us. Plus, her opinions are rock solid by this point. She isn't the one that has hurt me though. That would be my Mother.

When I was 13, and everything came out into the open, she promised me that I would never have to be near him, that he wouldn't be allowed near me. That promise was kept for a couple of years while he wasn't allowed into the state legally but then the time was up and he could come back. He was welcome onto the property with the open arms of my mother and grandmother. That was the day my trust in my mother was utterly destroyed; I have yet to fully trust her again.

She welcomes him, allows him into the house, staying there, allowing him into my room on occasion. Welcomes his help, because there are things she's to old to do now and I'm extremely afraid of heights (like top step of a little step ladder afraid) and can't go where she needs help, so she brings him. Okay fine, don't force me near him. Which she does. But the final straw came this past weekend, when he was here. I had gotten fed up with it, and not being allowed in my room, and my annoyance finally snapped. She freaked out in turn on me, and we argued in my bedroom. She asked me "Why are you so bothered by him being here?"

I can't take it anymore.

Not long after Dan and I began dating, and I got my arse home from Europe, plans began on sending him home to Iowa from Australia. He offered me a place to live with him in his apa, sorry, our apartment. Our home. That was in August. I've been thinking about the offer, asking those close to me that I trust for their thoughts and opinions, and weighing my own thoughts, opinions and beliefs. Listing out pros and cons. I thought long and hard about this offer, knowing that if was an important choice that would alter many things. I agreed last week, a few days before that lovely statement from my mother. But that choice, this change in my life brought other unseen changes before my eyes.

I don't have the picturesque family. My older brother, my older sister, and myself were emotionally and mentally abused. Having this revelation handed to me felt like a slap in the face. I had never seen the signs with my brother, he left for the Marines when I was in 3rd grade. I still lived in a relative world or ignorant bliss then. But with my sister, I began to notice how she treated us differently. I'm not speaking of the differences caused by our different ages, but vast notable differences. And there were the things she would say, hurtful demeaning things you wouldn't expect to hear from your mother. This continued for years for both my sister and I, but I never put two and two together on myself, only her. And I shall not get into the stress the woman causes.

But....its time for change, and its slowly beginning.